Thursday, 16 August 2012
Its been a weird weather day today in Devon, one minute raining and the next it is shining. It didn't stop me from arranging an adventure. We went to Kent Cavern, a huge series of caves on the Paignton coast. There I encountered darkness so thick and heavy, it was weighing me down and almost at one point threatened to push me to my knees. Never felt such a disorientating feeling like that before, it reminded me of being a little girl once more in dark spaces, trying to be brave and ignore the fear to run back to my mum or dad.
On the way back, we stopped off at a small theme park where basically everything was in minatures. Walking around small villages that only came up to your knees at some parts was funny and I could almost see the girl I was skipping ahead with my younger brother in tow, followed by a patient and resigned mum. It took me back to my yester-years and laid to rest a demon or two whilst stirring up a few more I've yet to face.
I feel uneasy at the moment. Its been a long week and it's only wednesday. I been given a few answers but in the process it has raised a lot more. My calm has been shattered and I would do anything to have it back right now, I don't want to go over the edge and lose myself to me. No matter how weak or flimsy the dam i build is, to hold everything back, it needs to be there...just for a while longer.
I'm also angry with myself, I can now see that some people just take from you in order to make themselves feel good and obtain peace of mind for their sake and cast me away. I've fell for it again and like some friends say I've always been too caring and too nice for my own good.
Not to mention I can see through so many lies and false statements of late too. I don't believe a word anyone says really these days. Sorry but its easier and perhaps more truthful too. My Birdy sense is tingling and when it does, I know something isn't right. Besides what one person has to say doesn't echo what the people around them think or feel.
I'm really tired, I know to keep going but sometimes it feels like another problem becomes another stone that weighs me down...disability, head trauma, mental, sickness, financial, life, love, etc...how many stones am I now carrying?
But I also feel this little flare of fire burning away somewhere deep inside, I'm looking harder than I ever did before and I see more things, more depth and more beauty comes to me. I'm trying harder and more self belief is getting stronger. I'm walking harder and my journey becomes personal and easier and lighter as my load sheds off, bit by bit and one day that peace, happiness and balance will stay, not for a hour or for a day but woven through my life where I both feed it and live off it.
I will get there. No matter what, I will one day get there.