Thursday, 29 November 2012

thoughts during another sleepless night

Well its another restless night here, I headed to bed pretty much as soon as I got in from work and wandering through town. I was cold and just wanted to lie down in a warm, safe place and close my eyes to think and review the day and current thoughts. I could feel myself drifting and thought to myself that maybe tonight was another lucky night regarding sleep.
But as soon as the lights went off, I was on high alert. Eyes wide open, heart racing and all trace of sleep immediately disappeared to leave me feeling on edge and a panic attack worked its way over me....which hence explains my current situation being on the laptop late at night, letting that fear slowly seep from me as I type.

I hate the fact I have a sleep phobia and at times it causes moments like this to become frequent and run-of-the-mill until I basically work myself into exhaustion and my body gives up and shuts down...something that is so frustratingly out of control for me.
Being psychologically trapped and tortured in a way to the extreme that it develops into a physical state (be it exhaustion/abuse etc) is certainly something I hate and is to be expected so I’ve been told by the medical practitioners involved in my care. It helps that on some level I know its not me going crazy and I just need to ride it out but still.....

Saying one thing and experiencing it is two completely different scenarios!

What I hate from this sleepless scenario is how it puts me in a vulnerable state of mind where I randomly attack things mentally and dredge up memories/emotions to relive it for what possible end, I do not know! It is human behaviour that we do this so we learn from our mistakes but when you going back over old grounds, combing through everything with a fine teethed comb over a scene that pretty much been investigated to every inch of its being and holds nothing left...its really, really unproductive!
Like right now, I want to make myself scarce for forthcoming dates. I don’t want to be around in the city or online to see even the slightest trace of evidence that certain people exist or (immature as this sounds) having a better time than me. (Come on, we all been there haven’t we? Coming across photos of some party that looks totally epic, all your friends went and you weren’t there? I will admit that the people and loved ones I know have me there at pretty much everything! Its the ones that are no longer apart of your life for whatever reasons.)

I have let go of people from my life, some have been right howlers where even now I scratch my head and think “What on earth came over me?” and some that left either fond memories or raw wounds that I wouldn’t even dare go near. The point is, when I get to this vulnerable state of mind and combing over old memories, it brings up all manners of irrational fears.  We want to appear completely amazing when in the presence of those who drifted out of our lives, like “I’ve lost weight, looking great and rocking these new shoes today which I bought with my newly inherited millionaire in awe of me!” when really, nothing new has changed!  I know I’m not alone in this, I’ve seen some completely rational, level headed friends who one minute are walking beside me in town and the next are hiding behind the perfume display only because the ex was walking by and they didn’t want to be seen with bad hair on that particular day!

If I’m honest, I haven’t really got the energy to really even hide these days. Its not who I am, I’m the first to admit to mistakes and say I’m faaaaaar from perfect...but who is? And besides, we don’t have a guide book on life and how to live it do we? I learn from mistakes and move on from the lesson. If people feel the need to judge me, I would simply ask “Why?” Why do they feel the need to do so?
More often than not, its their own insecurities and poor knowledge and understanding that is the main motivator. They haven’t moved on in places and matured or acquired a frame of mind that one needs to grow and live. 

This brings me back to my main point, sitting here and worrying about how to make myself invisible on certain dates so not to expose myself to the possible potential pains. Do I? Is that a bad thing to self-preserve especially when I know I have a mental disorder that leaves me exposed and handle things badly?

Or do I take it on the chin and put on a false smile and stick it out?

I’m not entirely sure, I do know the latter is completely false of me right now but I’m hoping as time passes I will be able to make a decision. We live in a world where we have a variety of mediums where we can share and interact with people and it is so hard to avoid these things. It’s become the norm to organise social events via social websites (facebook) and screaming out your latest thoughts on twitter (one I doubt I will use myself and hardly ever read.)So to avoid this, in some ways I got to retract from a large element of “normal” life.

Should I stay or should I go hide away until its all over?

We will see!

Birdie Love

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

the strangest things i see....

This charming looking place is somewhere near the heart of Cardiff, has a somewhat less charming name! sounds like someone badly mispronouncing theword "Scotland"...or like some venerable disease...
"sorry...can't come into work today....coming down with the spoltlands..."

what a wonderfully...unique name is all I can say!
 ....well if after all the effort and money spent on looking this fabulous for the hubby and all he can do is sit in bed with his arms folded and looking like a miserable sod......forget it!
I like a man who strips for me!
...strips the bed on laundry day that is! (boom boom!)

 I bought, out of pure curiosity this jello pudding & pie filling! It may be something of a similair sight to you americans but over here, on british shores, this is a very rare sight indeed!
I'm breaking this open ready for friday for our games and american food night...this is going to be dessert after chilli dogs!
I hope this tastes good!

How to speak wookie?
farts around the world?
That's my brother pretty much sorted this christmas!

What strange things you seen recently?

Birdie Love

I'm back!

Well, I'm back!

After an unscheduled tea break of around a week or so and apologies! It wasn't forseen and I have to admit I been busy, ill and recuperating all at once it seemed!
I was in and out of hospitals, doctors and had my first DBT/psychotherapy session so it was quite a busy and draining week.
I've had to contend with the possibility of  more surgery next year...scratch possibility, its pretty much certain now, either way, to fit me up with a cochlear implant...nothing like the potential of a 2 hour brain surgery to make you smile eh?!
And on top of that, due to the popularity of this blog and such, I now have to pay to run it...thank you Google!
Hey ho!

I hope you are all well, nothing like the offical countdown to christmas to enduce the panic in all of us hey?

I will be back soon with my usual run of updates!

Birdie love

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

twilight on the road

no words needed

birdie love

girly giggles

 Here's little Jo, my wonderful little mini-me with her lovely new hair and sweet smile! Isn't she so cute, that you want to put her in your pocket?! Jo is Wiggles the pug's mama! We decided to have a girly day last week, a much needed day of randomness, pampering and a bit of sushi and shopping!
We decided to have a fish spa treatment...whilst jo enjoyed it, I swear I had fish with teeth in my tank and instead of friendly nibbling, I had full-on chomping!

I have evidence to! The tank on top of the picture contains bigger fish...that was  my tank...i had bigger fish with bigger mouths! Jo's tank has the babies!

With toes thankfully intact, we went for some sushi!...My favourite cusine!

 My wonderful geisha girlies! <3 p="p">
Yo Sushi had a new range of Ramen out!
Couldn't resist this at all!
spicy beef ramen coimg up!
nom nom nom!

Thank you to my lovely friends for a good time-it is nice to take time out and enjoy yourself with friends isn't it?

Birdie Love

strange but true - I want!

American gift company Vat19 has produced the 26-Pound Edible Gummy Party Python. The jelly snake is nearly eight feet long, packs more than 36,000 calories and costs $150 (£94). The item proved so popular that it is currently out of stock.

American gift company Vat19 has produced the 26-Pound Edible Gummy Party Python. The jelly snake is nearly eight feet long, packs more than 36,000 calories and costs $150 (£94). The item proved so popular that it is currently out of stock.Picture: Vat19/Rex Features

OMG! I want!

Birdie Love

Tuesday, 20 November 2012


When I head to cardiff, i always head to my favourite vintage shop for a spot of thrifting of the fabric kind! The amount of goodies i have accumulated from this place is many and this shop has been the obly place Ive found that sells huge variety at a reasonable price!
This retrun to the shop found they have halved their fabric stash-Booooooo! But by no means did I come away empty handed!
 Vintage is vast and varied here! And immensely popular! You have to be prepared to rumage to find the best bits!

 I picked up for a wonderful bargin a 70's vintage handbag that been covered in Welsh Blanket material - quite fitting really since I was in Wales! I loves the simple yet colourful
Finding Welsh blankets of any kind is a rairy today especially when you do find one, you have to pay alot of money. I admire the wonderful colours and skills that go into making such a piece so to find a handbag covered like so was a nice moment! Just the right amount of colour and style! Love seeing my own mother envious that i scored such an item made for a wonderful moment!
thank you thrifty gods!

 I rummaged through a huge basket and found, rather conviently since christmas is near, these do-it-yourself snoopy stocking fabrics. I'm hoping to make four from this piece rather then two for my family members...such cute designs!

 My fabric stash I came home with!

 This wonderful hand embroidered piece of fabric where someone sewn this ring of flowers out of wool, that over time due to being washed, has become felted and nicely softened.

 A nice and simple hand embroided piece with daisy-like flowers lies on top of a machine embroided piece. These I hope to cut up and use the designs in future quilts, patchwork totes and bags.

 A wonderful hand embroided cotton pillow case. If one was close enough, they can still see the pale blue pattern outline the craftster would have to had embroided over! 
I have now scored two, beautifully hand-sewn pillow cases and I hope to soon, see them on my bed!
 These actually are a rather nice find for me as since I was younger, I always wanted good quality, hand sewn vintage bed linen!

 An old vintage embroided table cloth that is stained in places, which doesnt matter for me as I hope to cut the designs for other sewing projects - an excellent way to upcycle!

 I collect tapestry pieces that get completed by people but end up in charity shops as no one knows what to do with them once they are done.  I'm hoping to turn some of them into wonderful home furnishings. some of them are absolutely amazing to look at, this piece is one of them!
 Its so bright and wonderfully regal in design and colour and such an unusual shape! Its like a warped diamond! My guess is the person who was making this, stretched it too much in places. This is a royal design to celebrate I guess, the marriage of Prince Charles to Lady Diana which gives an indication as to how old this piece could be!

Lastly, I love this retro fabrics and over time, I noticed I seemed to have unintentionally collected 70's fabric designs! This bulk turned out to be a wonderful pair of hand-made curtains that is looking likely will be going up in our lounge to help keep the room warm and to enjoy the colourful snazzy design!
Cool hey?

The thrifting gods were kind to me that day and it was exciting to be elbow deep in chests of fabrics of all kinds and coming back with a reasonable hoarde to add to the room's worth of fabrics! (it's a serious addiction!)

now to do something with them....

Birdie Love!

A magic trick in pictures...

I took so many pictures of this magic trick i saw in person that i decided to let the pictures do the talking!
The woman is my lovely friend who volunteered to smash the glass bottles and pour them out so to demonstrate its not fake glass.
The man taking the pulse and tapping out the beat with a pencil as the magician controls his breathing and trances out by putting a plastic bag over his head, is also another member of the public who voluntered!

Still there?!
Its a proper 0_o moment no?

Any ideas on how you think its done?

Birdie Love

strange but true...

Thousands of starlings move together to create a large number two (no, not that kind - see next image) above Didcot Power Station in Oxfordshire. The formation was witnessed by photographer, George Reszeter, who waited patiently at the power station in the hope of capturing the murmuration of starlings.

Thousands of starlings move together to create a large number two (no, not that kind - see next image) above Didcot Power Station in Oxfordshire. The formation was witnessed by photographer, George Reszeter, who waited patiently at the power station in the hope of capturing the murmuration of starlings.Picture: GEORGE RESZETER / ARDEA / CATERS

birdie love!

Monday, 19 November 2012

week gone by...

its been a good week and a bit where I...
 Got to see all three Evil dead films with friends...

 ...Fell in love with Darren's super-funky badges...i now want my own badge making kit!...

 ...enjoyed eating tiny posh honeycomb ice-cream (my ultimate fav!) whilst wearing my super cool new handmade Avengers cartoon skirt (a feature on this is soon to come!)...

 ...watched boats roll in and out of the harbour...

 ...loved my gifts hubby piked up for me! Deadpool for the win!...

...And enjoyed hubby's home made pasta in cheese sauce. He cares for me so well!...

Its nice to look back over thesepictures and see images that capture the small things that makes up my life. After all its the small things thats makes us who we are, is it not?

How was your week last week?

Hope you have a great week ahead!

Don't forget to take part in the competition!

Birdie Love