Friday, 16 November 2012

Right now...



  • is in a strange mood these days. hard to put a finger on it exactly  but its been three weeks since getting my diagnosis and time in a way has frozen since. Its not a bad thing, it's given me peace and a chance to come to terms with the mental disorder I got. I finally know I'm not crazy and although there isn't a definitive cure, I can work towards a better balance and life. I can finally begin to understand who I am, why I am and so on.
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  • I'm so pleased this book has arrived ahead of my therapy, already reading it, things are making a bit of sense for me and I have a rougher idea of what i can do for me and where I can go. seeing things in black and white cemets this is real and I actually need to look after myself if i want to be well.
  • over time, its becoming more consious that I've somehow now learning to see the world through a slower, keener sense. i see past the morning rush hour choas of noises, smells and sights and sensory overload to single things out for what they are and enjoy them.  Like someone walking past with a freshly made bacon sandwich that smells so buttery and warm, to the amber leaves that rustle as they fall from the branches overhead to litter at your feet. Breaking down a moment has caused me to enjoy simple pleasures and pulling out my phone camera to snap it and enjoy it to share. I like this skill!
  •  Is feeling mentally and physically drained which is why i havent updated the blog as much as i wanted to. Especially when I got so much to share with you which is annoying! I figured I rather write and show a piece of good quality and feeling than a rushed job that isn't in essence me! Bear with me, I will be up and running properly again soon....just as long as i get some rest!
  • enjoying a week off work! No appointments with any doctors/surgeons/therapist, no rushing around, no work scenarios...a week, a whole week to myself to do what i want! And I somehow filled it so busily already! it is nice to see my friends and loved ones and kick back and enjoy company and a day rolling by like so. 
  • my muses are slowly coming back, the artistic side in me is stirring and although it is too soon to channel this into something productive, i'm enjoying the many creative flairs, outlooks and ideas swirling through my head and being. I'm hoping to work soon with some good friends on a photography set featuring yours truly. I want the lense to capture me in this moments so I can look back and see for myself how these hard months and years shaped me for being someone who can finally start putting herself forward and out there and not fear so much.
  • i'm not so afraid anymore. I know im scared but its ok and that in itself made it ok. I'm only human and can do the best I can do.
  • hates at times this irrational anger that swells up inside of me from no where. memories of emotions and scenes and people will rise from some lost no-where and I hate it. I end up becoming so angry at how things have turned out, how i or they were treated and tired of having to put on a brave face and try to not let it show it gets to me - so that! I want to scream and physically go for the person and if i'm not careful, on some level I could! oh well, its another brick in my wall and it will make me stronger in some ways!
  • thinking cheetahs dont change their spots. Sometimes seeing people in a new light shows just how messed up they are and how DID you get tangled up with them/their affairs/their life?
  • Enjoying listening to some 90's tunes, a retro blast from the past! Terrance Trent D'arby me up baby yeah! Tina Cousins? - why not? Darude - the louder, the better! 
Whats on your mind these days? What are you thinking right now?


Birdie Love
xxx

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