Thursday, 11 April 2013

lost


Its hard isn't it, life?
I try not to make it a habit of posting heavy or negative posts as after all who wants to read grumblings after another grey day?
Not me!

But I figured this blog is my space and if you don't want to read this, then you simply can skip onwards to another post or blog!

Right now, I feel to be honest...lost.
there's a whole gamut of emotions out there at the moment, some are constant and some come and go but the one thing I feel through it all is the keen sense of being lost.

It isn't easy working through life with a disability and a recently diagnosed mental disorder, but then again i'm sure it isn't easy for anyone really!

I'm frustrated at time by the actions of those around me, watching how their lives ride that roller coaster, sometimes things happen that you been there before and witnessed and you really don't want to see and watch it happen all over again...maybe you simply don't have that energy to do it anymore and can't remain their shoulder to cry on for the umpteenth time.

Right now I'm angry that a friend is being messed around again and the impact of someone else's words, actions and general laziness is having on them...but I sadly had to step away. I've been there, tried to support them and I can't do it no more. Of course I'm still there for them but they have to go about this alone and I really do hope they wake up and see what everyone else is seeing and saying and make some decisions.
From what I have seen and heard, it have made me question what love is. I'm seeing love being at its most destructive and manipulative, it has blinded people from their own actions and their situations and to their own truths.
In one circumstance I'm starting to think maybe it's best they now part for many reasons and in another, I wish they just see in the cold light of day what they have with each other and wise up.

You know what the most frustrating thing is throughout all this? Trying not to care. It doesn't involve me, but i care and love them and I wish my emotions would work with my brain for once and switch off and walk away. Because I can't do it right now, i become angry and upset with myself which doesn't help the process at all...

Therapy helps, but it is as i'm reminded, a slow process until i can do that well enough, to detach myself enough to walk away and put a situation on the back burner.  Until then, I have ride it out by gritting my teeth, cursing myself, kicking, screaming, crying...whatever gets me through the day.

I wish i was more selfish, where I could think of myself more and move through life not concerned by what others thought or said but do the best by me. But I also love the fact that I care, i want to be open, love and help people around me, that is who I am and I don't think I can cut myself off from that either...so I got to find a way to balance it...somehow!

Its hard being surrounded by people living a life that seems more perfect and together than yours. Social websites, blogs, newspapers, television and sometimes even your own friends makes it inevitable to start drawing comparisons and the end result is your life, your hobbies, your routine, your look and you just looks really small.

Right now I feel a little like that but also lost. I now work part time as a result of my unfortunate life-changing accident and found myself with spare time...I feel like I should be some body, putting that time to good use and making something for myself....but how?
How does one start and what do I do?
Where do I go?
Who do I become?

Like I have said to other people in their low moments, "You are a work in progress, you will end up being something pretty special. you just need to work through this and let this shape you and make you stronger."
I guess I need to take a hefty dose of my own advise no?

There are things I'm scared of facing, things I'm scared to let go and things I have to learn from whether I like it or not. The truth is, we all do. we can't allow ourselves to create faults and excuses or pass the buck. Sure we are allowed to make mistakes but we need to be quick to realise our errors and be open to the lessons they contain.
Right now I need to make sure what I do and the habits and reasons I create are not out of laziness but because I'm not ready or strong enough or the time is simply not right. I need to remain accountable for myself and my actions.
I be ok with that if I succeed. That would be enough for me for the moment whilst I find my feet and continue to get strong. As much as I want to run away, I just be cheating myself and make it hard for my life and others.

Life I guess is just another thing I have to conquer no?

Birdie Love to you all, just keep strong and keep going
xxx




4 comments:

  1. The word I use is resilience... not something I have a lot of, so perversely I know more about it.

    How often do we say "we learn from our mistakes", not from our successes. We figure out what we need or want, not from what we have but from what we notice is missing. Perhaps our life is richer for doing so.

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    1. That's actually a good point there! x

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  2. What a heart felt post. I am glad you wrote it all done. Sometimes it helps just to say things out loud. Please know that I am here for you and thinking of you.

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    1. aww thank you so very much! that means alot xxx

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