Flowers in the last year or so, means a lot to me.
They symbolise a level of hardship, depression-related despair and heartache that I wont go into here. There was a time last year that I was already planning to not be around for the autumn, there was no way I wanted to be alive no more.
I was hurting so bad that I don't think I could find the words or ways to describe how so, even now.
The wounds when it comes to mental disorders and depression are hard to heal, hard to forget and hard to live day to day with. And having a disability on top of that only just enhances the sensations to a whole new degree, especially when the symptoms of depression and a disability share the same common traits, that depression piggy backs disability and thus, hides itself from help and a straightforward diagnoses so well.
Flowers were my visual connection to this world. They exist fleetingly on this planet for a short time and so beautifully so. Even if I feel dead inside and no longer want to be apart of this world and I walk through my house, in the dark, silent heaviness of it all, the bunch of flowers on the side would remind me that there's life. They will live on in all the splendour they can muster, even if I don't.
When It was bad, I would walk to the shops to purposely buy myself flowers to raise my spirits a little.
When it was really bad, I would surround myself with flowers, with the life force they so represent.
I had a special family friend who sent me flowers from all the way in Australia, an amazing woman who I very much love and respect. That started the whole thing. They were freesias and I can still remember where they sat and the wonderful smell they had.
Friends from then on, would send some flowers, and they would rally my spirits a little.
Flowers expressed what words couldn't.
Even now, when I have a bad day, I zone out and make it a mission to walk to the nearest supermarket and pick up a cheery bunch of flowers. By the time I have walked back home, selected a vase, trimmed the stems, mixed up the water and sugary flower food formula and selected a place for the vase to go, I would often feel a little bit better and calmer. The dark cloud doesn't go away but it makes it more bearable.
Flowers in some way, keeping me alive. My home is now a home with flowers around to give it a splash of colour and life. Waking up to a bunch of spring flowers on your bedside in the morning does wonders for the spirit and it keeps me in tune with the seasons as they fly by, reminding me its been over a year since my life changing accident.
They give me hope and a sense of life.