Thursday, 3 May 2012

A few bad days...and why it aint so bad...

Its been a weird week or so of late, one of the problems at the moment is dealing with insomnia to the point I'm now actually having to admit there is a problem. Whether coming close to ironing at 3am to relieve myself of the boredom of trying to get some zzz's or actually starting to hallucinate at work through the exhaustion of it all...I'm not too sure! Also having to deal with the sudden onset of panic attacks hasnt helped either, where several times I was due to attend other meetings in several cities across Devon but upon getting to the train station, just freaking out and I don't remember much after each attack. To me, this is a weakness and an annoyance, something I hate and I know its part of the whole head injury/depression thing and I've been told so many times to stop fighting against myself, I still end up giving myself a hard time.  One thing I do to "fight " against all this in a more productive manner than a self destructive one is simply turning my energy now to something else.

Sunday saw me baking bread. Red Onion and balsamic Vinegar bread made into tasted nice fresh out the oven with melted butter...Nom! I was feeling bit low at the time and haven't baked in ages. Plus I like taking the goodies into work the next day and feeding my poor lunch companion who dutifully nods and says "yum"...  :P

A friend pointed out she thought this t-shirt design had me down to a tee! Very kind of her to say! ...Wonder if its my glasses I was wearing at the time that inspired her comment or the rare moments of intellect and wisdom that occassionally makes me look like Stephen Fry?!...Doubt it, I'm more Alan Davies....!

Tuesday interesting day. A deadly combination of two panic attacks, a hard hitting moment of realisation and depression and a few teary texts to the mother made it a long day. I was suppose to be in Torquay but I just simply couldnt make it there that day for reasons I wont go into but I simply say I felt I wasnt ready for it, it was a step too far. Plus having a moment at work just made me click and feel such a fool for even thinking the thoughts and hopes I had. 
The outcome? I went home and had so little to say to anyone, the Pope could have walked into my house, threatening me with an exorcism and I would have just responded with a withering glare that would have made him think twice and slowly edge back out of the house! I was fustrated at how all the emotions and everything that day gave me energy and so I decided to get two of my craft projects under way.

Here is a taster of one of the projects...I can't reveal too much at the moment as it is a birthday gift for someone. But you can see the ecclectric mixs of fabrics used so far! That brown and mustard yellow 70's fabrics? I bought a huge bulk of this lovely stuff for £2! I just love the strong, geometric prints and designs that are making a come back and there is something slightly scandenavian about it too with its design work. The wonderful thing is? People who know me well often knows I love these types of fabrics in its bright hues of eye-popping colours and often either buys me some or put it to one side for me...isn't that lovely!  :) I might not be the girl with the dragon tattoo but I'm certainly the girl with the colourful fabric stash!

 I will post a few piccys later when this secret birthday project is finished hopefully this weekend to be gifted to the unaware person!

 Excuse my tiny leopard feet! you can see a work in progress shot of a little quilt i'm making for my godson Henry. I'm working with a panel in the middle full of dinosaurs andon either side is going to be two blue panels that going to have either hand sewn or hand painted images of dinosaurs...not too sure which, what you think?

And the cutest thing?i managed to source the softest baby blue fleece with tiny cute dinos all over the fabric....awwww! I'm quite pleased at how the project is coming together so far. Its all pinned and basted, ready for me to hand sew the outlines of the dinosaurs in the panel...the fun never stops!

Excuse the slightly blurry picture...

So the whole evening was spent alone in silence, pulling fabrics out, ironing them, cutting them and altering the patterns...the whole process was in a way my exorcism to deal with all that pain, rejection, hurt, anger I experienced that day. My negative energy channelled into making something positive I think is a good thing considering a year or two ago, I would have just raged at everyone! I think that gotta count for something thses days where I can't be on medication and still waiting for help from the NHS and dealing with the head trauma. I'm not normally negative and self obsessed but I pleased in a way I managed to deal with a few hards days in the way I have so hopefully you can get to read something more positive next time! 
Birdie love to you all! X

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