I named this post Resurrection as not only is it the first post in a long while but also to symbolise what it means for me. Its my way of saying I guess I’m fighting to get back onto my feet after all that has happened.
Back in 2009 when I made my last post, I was keeping a journal. I knew I wasn’t quite right and I was suffering in a way I couldn’t describe or figure out. I recently this year found the same journal and continued it but read the last entries... a lot has changed from 2009 to the present day. A lot.
Being disabled is a weird thing to try and encapsulate in order to explain. It affects all traits a human has in the deepest, unconscious of ways. I have always fought against my disability, fought to prove myself more than being a disabled girl who was at odds with the world. I had a point to prove with anyone and everyone and I wasn’t going to back down and I was going to fight the fight...whatever it was. I never accepted I was deaf on some ways. I rarely told people I’m deaf unless I have too and worked hard to be as “normal” as I can be. Now...there is no such thing as “normal” that I can say I’ve learnt. Plus having an accident which resulted in a serious head injury that impaired my disability further and I’m having to relearn how to cope and live every day kinda throws you out into a tail spin and gives you a few new perspectives to look at whether I wanted to or not. Things in my life, things I do and value and things about me are thrown into an ugly light and I’m learning that I accept these ugly things and that I’m kinda ok with it actually. I’m making my peace and things will either change or quieten down since peace is made.
But I look back at my post in 2009 and the one I make now and I see the same girl but is also so very different as well. Things have happened in between time that I never thought I would do, things happened I never would have predicted and I’ve grown in ways I never envisioned. I’ve walked away from everything so far to date with a new founded appreciated, respect or a lesson gained. I’ve learnt what is means to truly have friends and that I actually have friends that care in the deepest of ways and would put themselves in the line of fire to protect me without being asked. I’ve learnt that you only have one family and I made peace with that and the bonds that are there. I’ve learnt that life waits for no one and to sit on the fence watching life go by is to watch your own life roll on without you in control or enjoying it. And I’ve learn the many lessons of love. Love is a many varied thing yet has only one word for it. Why? A love for a parent is different to the love a parent has for their child. That unrequainted love is more painful in deeper ways than mutual love. Love for a friend is varied in itself too. All friends are friends to you for various reasons and you love them all for these reasons alone. You have a friend that you know will pick you up when you’re down. You have a friend who is always willing to be the fool to put a smile on your face and you have a friend you can tell secrets to that are kept and never judged. The values you grew up with are forever tested and revalued and you evolve in the deepest of ways, often without knowing.
I may not know where I am heading in life but I think I got a clearer frame of mind as to how to handle things life throws at me, judging the cross-roads with fairness and weathering the path itself well. Life is a journey and no map, bearings or compass is given to anyone. But are we truly lost? I’m still finding out the answer to that but I feel more positive already and whatever the answer is, I’ve already seen beyond this.
I just hope and owe it to myself to journey well and take everything in. To life this life as a gift that is denied to the many that never got to share it with us.
My rambling point?
Don’t give up on me yet! Don't give up on life and don't give up on yourself. X