vintage browsing

I recently went on another trip to Ashburton, purely to get me out the house and visit the wonderful shops there. most of these pictures were taken of a beautiful vintage shop that is also part tea shop and held some of the prettiest things there you could find of which I took pictures. This'll hopefully give you a clue of the wonderful goodies there was on show and all at reasonable prices too!


Whilst browsing, outside came the noise of a marching band and from the window I caught sight of these weirdly and wonderfully dressed people in medieval costume!

What are they doing?
Where are they going?
Well I later found out and it makes for a veeeeery interesting blog post for later date, where you get to see an old and ancient british custom I and others know very little about that Ashburton is the only town that still practises it today!

I'm hoping to keep posting, I will admit I'm finding it very hard to do so at the moment as my depression is so bad and morale is low. I'm just taking things slowly and doing what i can so bear with me.

Birdie love.
xxx

Flowers

Flowers and plants are such a visually, eye-popping viw when grouped together no? And the colours!

Flowers are one of the few things that make me smile and lift that depression cloud up a bit. I think its the colours and vibrancy they offer and if you're lucky, the lovely heady scents they have too! They are so fragile in this strong, brutal world and last only for a short while so it's nice for me to stop and step back a bit to appreciate them. And flowers are free! They are out there growing by roads, in your gardens and in the wild to enjoy, heralding the seasons as they grow, stand and die down to repeat themselves again the next season.

If I had the money, i would buy myself fresh flowers frequently and put them around my house, something living, something so alive and fresh in my gloomy little world!

The weather here in britain is making everything die and rot from too much rain! So seeing these was a real treat!

hope you enjoy!

brain dead...

These past few days have been a little hard at the moment. We finally fought hard enough to get me on anti-depressants...even if they are the weakess ones of the bunch. They finally figured that a live body was more important than prepping me for surgery and operations that were a long way off. (you cant really do surgery on a dead person no? *rolls eyes*)

 I needed help now not waiting around for a surgical team who has no dealings with mental health, calling the shots over my treatment without actually grasping the bigger picture. Having doctors, nurses, surgeons and all other manners of medically trained professionals coming to logger-heads with each other over a patient's welfare is stressing, nothing gets agreed and what more, the welfare of the patient somewhere along that line is forgotten about ironically.

After hearing what people have to say, I decided to put my cards on the table and get more control over my line of care. Too many people had their two cents to add to the pot and many times it is of no help to me and too many false leads and promises have gotten us chasing down one way streets and finding nothing at the end of it.

 All I say to those in the similar boats regarding mental health, it is hard work but at some point put your cards on the proverbial table and just check that what people say are doing in your best interest is actually what you want. Try and get some form of control over your own health care before it runs away from you completely. 

Question as much as you can like 'are the medication i'm on actually right for me?' 'The referall made for me to see this specialist, am I being directed to the right place?' and more importantly...'Is this actually what I want?'

Being on anti-depressants is too easy and what I keep being told is they rather the patient keep working at it so to avoid the need the medication. Anti-depressants are not natural and causes people to behave in ways different to them. It easy apparently to just take anti-depressants and do nothing else. The hard work comes from actually working against your depression/mental state by counselling, CBT, therapy and all the other sorts of help out there. It easy for them to say that isn't it? Like I said to them, I am happy to take any help offered to me but nothing is being offered and hasnt been for a long while as you guys are arguing over my care!

still, one is getting there finally...

In the last few days, especially since hearing some news regarding my treatments and employment I've been so tired, I sleep for hours and when I wake, I'm drowsy and so tired that all I want to do is crawl back into bed where I just came from! Dont think the weather is helping, especially with severe weather warnings and  month's worth of rain falling in one hour kinda thing. Its more winter here in Devon than it should be! I only hope the Olympics here in the UK gets a break, maybe the rain is falling now to be used up and should be dry by then no? Wishful thinking? we will see!

Just having a quiet bit of time of late, I'm rarely on the internet and only check my emails and this blog  and my phone is off...mostly being broken but that suits me. Im just learning to live in my space again and taking time out and gently push myself out there into doing things scary and things I feel a little nervous about.

I have a small project on hand where I want to turn a large silk hankerchief into a top. It was going to get turned into some luxurious cushion but I like the colours and I want a quirky but cute top to wear out and about but on a really low budget! Lets hope that turns out well!

I've had a few ideas too running though my head and what's been so fustrating is it's gone by the time i remember what it is! I hate how my mind is so resembling of a sieve! It holds so very little and what I need just trickles away!

I'm hoping my head gets a bit more together for the next blog update!

Hope you are having a nice weekend where ever you are!
 

Birdie love.xxx

flashback of a fool

For those of you who are Daniel Craig/film buffs will understand the title of this post, based on a film I adore where Daniel Craig's character, an out of work/shape actor tries to kill himself by swimming out to sea and hoping the ocean does the rest of the work for him, but instead takes him back through his memories where much of his childhood was spent by the sea. Its a film worth watching and the cinematography and camera work is so beautiful and amazingly done. Plus it came with an awesome sound track that is a pure blast from the past and had me humming quite a bit with the tracks I couldn't get out of my head.

There is something strangely evocative about the sea isn't there? We all have our memories and I dare say a lot of them trigger much of our senses as well. The way sand feels under our feet and through our fingers, the taste of the sea air and ice creams on our tongues, the smell of suncream, dried up seaweed and salty rock pools, how the sunlight dances over the crashing waves...Its enough to bring out the inner poetic in anyone I guess!

I went to the beach on what was a last minute, on the day decision and its one that bought up a lot of memories, thoughts and emotions. We headed down to what was known as a secret surfer's paradise called Bantham beach, stuck out in the middle of nowhere and it certainly made an impression on us when we arrived with the typical "welcome to Bantham Village." being artfully graffitied to welcome all drivers to "please die and park carefully!" Despite claiming to not been to this beach before, I started realising I was wrong.

Bantham beach is indeed very popular with all kinds of watersports, while I was there I saw Kite-surfers and kayakers as well as the typical surfers but this isnt why this beach is famous.

This beach is famous for Burgh Island, an island only accesible when the tide is low and on this private island is a hotel that was built around 1929 and was famous for being the holiday destination of choice for the likes of Agatha Christie and Noel Coward.

Here you can see on the left just about the thin strip of beach that connects the island to the mainlands and around 2-3 hours later, the sea completely seperating off. 

Its a beautiful beach, the sand is so fine and powdery which was a suprise to find in Devon and the views were stunning.

I even swam in the sea for a good hour and what was nice, was how we all split off to do our own things and be in our own worlds for a bit. The longer I was there, the more convinced I had been here before. A conversation with my muma confirmed I had as a child and I as well as my baby brother pratically grew up on this beach as children until my wild ways and concerns for my safety meant my mum had to stop taking me and find a smaller and safer beach to go to. Apparently I would get to the beach and immediately made a run for the sea, wearing no hearing aids and ever the athlete, would run for miles in the shallow waters oblivious to family members chasing after me and the shouts of the public and life gaurds to stop.

I even gotten rescues by said life guards for being "too fearless" and wading out to the sea and pretending I was a mermaid, trying to imitate Daryl Hannah from the film Splash! and said lifeguards mistaken my mermaidy splashings as signs that I was drowning...

I can remember climbing over the huge spit of rocks, rock-pooling and investigating the caves in the area and trying but failing to pull mussels off their perches on the rock faces.

Being on that beach took me back to my childhood and back to where all those memories I had and who I've become since.

I be honest, a few weeks back I wasn't in the greatest of shape as I had mentioned in a previous post. My parents were and are still really stuck and struggling to keep their daughter going at times. It was like I completely broke down to being a child again. the mental pain became physical to the point that one night I actually physically walked down to the family kitchen and stared at the knifeblock, actually relishing the idea of watching the blades slicing through my skin and watching the pain bleed away. I had even to the point started composing texts to send to the nearest and dearest that night and explaining it all to my dad afterwards was a challenge and I guess he started to understand a little just how scary and bad things really were.I felt so alone. I was and still am hurting so bad for so many reasons and I don't know how to cope with how life has carried me on it's tides to where I am today. I guess I am heartbroken and for that, there is no cure except maybe time. Im sorry if its a depressing and low thing to read dear readers. 

Drifting in the sea, I felt in a way I've come back to the roots of where the start of who I was began. The child who was nicknamed "rotweiler" by her family for her strength and sheer determination and seeing something and never letting go until she got the results she wanted or were for the best, a child that just got on with it, ignored all the nasty comments, the bullying both verbal and physical, the awareness she couldnt fit in like everyone else and was socially isolated due to never being able to communicate well or keep up but just kept on going, never wanting anyone to feel sorry for her. I could almost see that little ghost of her running along that beach, lost in her world as she splashed in the sea.  I was sitting in the same ghostly spot occupied by my muma on the beach, my feet in the sand where her feet once was, torn between the fearless child I was and the fearful adult I have become.

 Even as an adult, I would spend ages in the water and I did that day, lying in the freezing water like it was a giant bath, hoping the waves, the eddies of the water would wash away some of my thoughts. I'm always drawn to water both as a child and even now, I will always go back to it somehow. If you want to give me a great gift and peace on earth for a while, show me to a bath full of hot water where I will bathe quite happily! Water carries sounds and I can feel and "hear" in a strangest of ways that I pretend I'm normal and like everyone else and that in some strange way, I'm getting a huge watery hug back from the universe! Water and I have a strange relationship and in the recent years I discovered I'm not the only one. Its one huge sensory experience I guess!

The experience on the beach was a weird one and though I enjoyed it, it had left me in a weird headspace since. Much like the film i mentioned at the beginning.

 I write this really as it feels like a personal exorcism, a little bit of that hard-to-remove grief goes somewhere else. I'm still notoriously private, something that drives my nearest friends batty but I'm happy to share a little bit of who I am if it helps someone else to know they aren't alone or helps them to understand me a little better then it isn't in vain. This is a weird part of me healing I guess. Don't worry, not all posts will be like this one or so heavy! But it's only fair that in doing a personal blog I guess to record the low times as well as the epic highs!

I wonder what I would say to the ghost child of me if I saw her today? Its strange how the older one gets, the more the child-likes hears come into play along with all that was never made peace with as well. I guess its part of life and one lesson I hope to learn well. What would you say to your younger self right now? "Word of advice kid? try not to knock over mum's favourite vase when you're 12? Because she will never let you live it down?" :P

Birdie love to you all!

XXX

The way to one's heart is via crafts and food

Hello chickies!
If you'res till reading this then good for you and thank you for sticking with it! 
If you recall from the last update, I showed a small preview of a gift I was currently making fo a friend who's birthday it was. My dear friend A was one of the first few people I made friends with when I moved to Plymouth here in the UK. She like myself, is deaf except she underwent a different life journey and experiences than myself and for the ride she had and all the things she endured that life had thrown at her, I truely admire her strength. She's one of a small handful of people who are strong and possess such a character and personality that is well loved and recieved by all. Even though I'm a little older than her, she truly suppasses me in the knowledge and wisdom she processes that she herself gained from life. She truely been through so much and deserves every inch of happiness that comes her way. I thought she would appreciate the below handmade gift, a large mama owl made up of original 70's fabric holding her little baby.
The mama owl is about the size of a large cushion and is hand stuffed by myself as well as both machine and hand stitched. all the fabrics used to make her is all salvaged and second hand which demonstrates an excellent example of up-cycling. Mama owl's wings are made to be able to hold her baby tight to her and the fabrics was taken from an old sample book that use to come in to the scrap store where I did voluntary work teaching adults and children various crafts. I loved that job and how I was left to be in charge of teaching to others the skills I have gained in life. Many disabled adults and children passed through my lessons loving every minute of it and I'm glad I got to make them smile!

The Teenie baby owl is made up from a small part of a fat quater. I deliberately chosen more muted, "nursery" colours to reflect the delicate, cuteness of the baby. I even hand-stitched the baby's tummy on and then with a needle, frayed the edges of the material for a little "fluffiness". I love, love, love how the eyes turned out so well, made up of two buttons sitting inside of one another.

 My friend loved it. Her birthday meal was a real nice, imtimate affair and we all had a brilliant time. She recieved beautiful gifts and I was thrilled to watch her open mine! It took her some attempts to believe I made her gift but she finally believed me! I recieve the above picture from her showing Mama and Baby at home on her sofa with another new family friend. What is so brilliant is the owl cushion on the right was the inspiration I've seen out and about in shops, going at prices around £25 which I love but wanted to make my own and a little better. The end result? Mama and Baby on the left, a hand made gift for a precious friend. 

I'm liking this end result and the great thing is I've now got a pattern on hand used for this project. I think I might vary the wings a bit for next time for an easier sewing result. I'm also thinking of making Mama's eyes different with a large fabric circle for the eye and then having the button for the pupil. Baby is pretty much bang on and wouldnt change a lot apart from adding a little applique heart on his chest in future for added love!


For those who know me and know me well, would know I'm a massive food lover. I love food...something my body and weight can attest for but in my opinion, a true food lover is one who not only eats good food out and about but also strives to take elements of dishes and produce and recreates it at home. You need to cook food as well as to eat it to understand how a dish works and why it works on each and every level it is created. I love complex dishes and often I will try to order things of this nature when I'm out, but it's the simplier element that is the hardest to achieve. 
Food with many ingredients can hide many sins and errors and sometimes you're not sure if you're actually tasting the dish you're suppose to be tasting. Strip a dish back to its basics, you have nowhere to hide and you have a smaller margin for error. I think this is why many chefs shudder at simple dishes....any mistakes will be spotted!

There has always been one produce I've always wanted to get my hands on to try.
Samphire.
Samphire is a coastal plant with a long history. Samphire is also known as sea asparagus or sea pickle and has been used in history as part of making soap and even glass hence its olde name of glasswort. 
It is also long been eaten in England and research shows there's even reference to it been mentioned in King Lear.

 Half-way down Hangs one that gathers samphire; dreadful trade! (Act IV, Scene VI)

Samphire is found on cliffs and coastal regions near seas, esturies and rivers and is often eaten in salads or pickled. But where the magic happens is when it is simply sauteed or steamed and paired with fish. 

Samphire and I have a long history. As a child I dreamt of being cast away on distant islands and living off the land, foraging for food with a knowledge gained from books and national geographic magazines given to me from mainly my grandad. 

We humans have lost the skills and knowledge to live off the land and remain in time with the seasons. Should we even need to live hand to mouth like our forfathers had done in the past, I dont think we would fare well. Samphire was something chefs on television would talk with great enthusiasm, both they and survival experts would trek to world's end where cliffs met the white, wild foamy seas and glorify the plant that gave a unique taste of the sea to any dish.

I even had a fail quest in search for Samphire myself. One training exercise with the army in Cornwall, we were being taught basic survival skills by a harden bunch of royal marines on the cornish coast. We spent hours searching through all the plants growing around us, pulling them up and cooking them in various means and we thought we had Samphire until the Marines admitted they pulled up the wrong plant and they havent themselves come across Samphire in a long time!
...and we were about to consume a weed....yeah...some survival experts they were...!
 So Samphire remained ever elsuive until this week. My local Morrisons underwent a new facelift and I'm loving the new store layout and the fresh produce counter is out of this world! Fresh fruits and veg from the world over is laid out on ice beds, labelled with their names and how to cook them. You can see all these people picking up all these beauties, no longer scared now that they know what the produce is called and how it is eaten and I am now getting my hands on some great things I've always wanted to cook. I got an artichoke in the fridge I'm going to cook up soon with fresh hollandaise sauce which i dreamt of one day trying.

And i finally got my hand on Samphire! There it was, siting in its own little tray on an ice bed in the fresh herb section!

I simply sauteed it in butter and a little lemon juice and poured it over a freshly cooked piece of salmon. The end result?

Samphire tasted beautiful with the clean taste of salmon. It popped in your mouth with every bite, unleashing a deep tang of the sea, a saltiness that is intense yet developed with a nutty musky tang and had an almost roast chicken aftertaste. It really does lift the taste of the fish to another level and I recommend you give it a try!

Don't be scared of trying something that looks strange and wonderful on shop counters, buy something that scares you, take it home and experiment. Keep the flavours simple and see how you can adapt it to suit your tastes.  I'm finally glad I tracked down and tasted Samphire, the long fabled and elusive plant is now something I've ticked off my list and is something I would put onto my table and share with friends the next time they come over.

Its these small challenges and goals one needs in life that makes living with depression that much easier. Its that small sense of accomplishment that keeps me going to the next one and it's something I hope to share on this blog so I can see my progress.

One must try to live through life with their eyes open, taking in each moment and recognising a moment for what it is. I went for a walk one evening this weel, so angry and upset after a session at Karate. Although the session was a great one, I laughed and got a good lesson from it, I was so upset and so distraught for personal reasons that I just walked blindly until I stopped at a near-by spot and stared out across the water.  I had a long weekend go by, where I truely felt my world was ending. My parents looked after me, trying to make sure I ate and slept and watched their daughter shuffle around the house in a zombiefied state. My dad said I looked like how a war driven soldier would look after many nights on sentry watch like when he was a young marine, deep bruised, raw circles under my eyes from nights of no sleep and the eternal rollings of my mind. I explained to him how I hated sleeping and eventually it developed into a phobia, where I absolutely freak out at the idea of going to bed, striving to stay awake until my body just shut itself down out of complete exhaustion. This happened night after night for months until it was too much. The weekend was a dark one, really dark. I wont go into it too much, it's too personal and raw to share here. 

But here i was, standing at the water edge, mind and soul screaming internally in pain, I felt like my heart was ripped out for a long time and lost, emotions doing their own thing with no control and I just looked at the view for what it was. 

Sunset. The ending of one day and the begining of another. There is always another day to come, another day where things might just get better and damn, wasnt the view just beautiful?

 

Birdie love to you. xxx

Resurrection

I named this post Resurrection as not only is it the first post in a long while but also to symbolise what it means for me. Its my way of saying I guess I’m fighting to get back onto my feet after all that has happened.
Back in 2009 when I made my last post, I was keeping a journal. I knew I wasn’t quite right and I was suffering in a way I couldn’t describe or figure out. I recently this year found the same journal and continued it but read the last entries... a lot has changed from 2009 to the present day. A lot.
Being disabled is a weird thing to try and encapsulate in order to explain. It affects all traits a human has in the deepest, unconscious of ways. I have always fought against my disability, fought to prove myself more than being a disabled girl who was at odds with the world. I had a point to prove with anyone and everyone and I wasn’t going to back down and I was going to fight the fight...whatever it was. I never accepted I was deaf on some ways. I rarely told people I’m deaf unless I have too and worked hard to be as “normal” as I can be.  Now...there is no such thing as “normal” that I can say I’ve learnt. Plus having an accident which resulted in a serious head injury that impaired my disability further and I’m having to relearn how to cope and live every day kinda throws you out into a tail spin and gives you a few new perspectives to look at whether I wanted to or not. Things in my life, things I do and value and things about me are thrown into an ugly light and I’m learning that I accept these ugly things and that I’m kinda ok with it actually. I’m making my peace and things will either change or quieten down since peace is made.
But I look back at my post in 2009 and the one I make now and I see the same girl but is also so very different as well. Things have happened in between time that I never thought I would do, things happened I never would have predicted and I’ve grown in ways I never envisioned. I’ve walked away from everything so far to date with a new founded appreciated, respect or a lesson gained. I’ve learnt what is means to truly have friends and that I actually have friends that care in the deepest of ways and would put themselves in the line of fire to protect me without being asked. I’ve learnt that you only have one family and I made peace with that and the bonds that are there. I’ve learnt that life waits for no one and to sit on the fence watching life go by is to watch your own life roll on without you in control or enjoying it. And I’ve learn the many lessons of love. Love is a many varied thing yet has only one word for it. Why? A love for a parent is different to the love a parent has for their child. That unrequainted love is more painful in deeper ways than mutual love. Love for a friend is varied in itself too. All friends are friends to you for various reasons and you love them all for these reasons alone. You have a friend that you know will pick you up when you’re down. You have a friend who is always willing to be the fool to put a smile on your face and you have a friend you can tell secrets to that are kept and never judged. The values you grew up with are forever tested and revalued and you evolve in the deepest of ways, often without knowing.

I may not know where I am heading in life but I think I got a clearer frame of mind as to how to handle things life throws at me, judging the cross-roads with fairness and weathering the path itself well. Life is a journey and no map, bearings or compass is given to anyone. But are we truly lost? I’m still finding out the answer to that but I feel more positive already and whatever the answer is, I’ve already seen beyond this.

I just hope and owe it to myself to journey well and take everything in. To life this life as a gift that is denied to the many that never got to share it with us. 

My rambling point? 
Don’t give up on me yet! Don't give up on life and don't give up on yourself. X