flashback of a fool

For those of you who are Daniel Craig/film buffs will understand the title of this post, based on a film I adore where Daniel Craig's character, an out of work/shape actor tries to kill himself by swimming out to sea and hoping the ocean does the rest of the work for him, but instead takes him back through his memories where much of his childhood was spent by the sea. Its a film worth watching and the cinematography and camera work is so beautiful and amazingly done. Plus it came with an awesome sound track that is a pure blast from the past and had me humming quite a bit with the tracks I couldn't get out of my head.

There is something strangely evocative about the sea isn't there? We all have our memories and I dare say a lot of them trigger much of our senses as well. The way sand feels under our feet and through our fingers, the taste of the sea air and ice creams on our tongues, the smell of suncream, dried up seaweed and salty rock pools, how the sunlight dances over the crashing waves...Its enough to bring out the inner poetic in anyone I guess!

I went to the beach on what was a last minute, on the day decision and its one that bought up a lot of memories, thoughts and emotions. We headed down to what was known as a secret surfer's paradise called Bantham beach, stuck out in the middle of nowhere and it certainly made an impression on us when we arrived with the typical "welcome to Bantham Village." being artfully graffitied to welcome all drivers to "please die and park carefully!" Despite claiming to not been to this beach before, I started realising I was wrong.

Bantham beach is indeed very popular with all kinds of watersports, while I was there I saw Kite-surfers and kayakers as well as the typical surfers but this isnt why this beach is famous.

This beach is famous for Burgh Island, an island only accesible when the tide is low and on this private island is a hotel that was built around 1929 and was famous for being the holiday destination of choice for the likes of Agatha Christie and Noel Coward.

Here you can see on the left just about the thin strip of beach that connects the island to the mainlands and around 2-3 hours later, the sea completely seperating off. 

Its a beautiful beach, the sand is so fine and powdery which was a suprise to find in Devon and the views were stunning.

I even swam in the sea for a good hour and what was nice, was how we all split off to do our own things and be in our own worlds for a bit. The longer I was there, the more convinced I had been here before. A conversation with my muma confirmed I had as a child and I as well as my baby brother pratically grew up on this beach as children until my wild ways and concerns for my safety meant my mum had to stop taking me and find a smaller and safer beach to go to. Apparently I would get to the beach and immediately made a run for the sea, wearing no hearing aids and ever the athlete, would run for miles in the shallow waters oblivious to family members chasing after me and the shouts of the public and life gaurds to stop.

I even gotten rescues by said life guards for being "too fearless" and wading out to the sea and pretending I was a mermaid, trying to imitate Daryl Hannah from the film Splash! and said lifeguards mistaken my mermaidy splashings as signs that I was drowning...

I can remember climbing over the huge spit of rocks, rock-pooling and investigating the caves in the area and trying but failing to pull mussels off their perches on the rock faces.

Being on that beach took me back to my childhood and back to where all those memories I had and who I've become since.

I be honest, a few weeks back I wasn't in the greatest of shape as I had mentioned in a previous post. My parents were and are still really stuck and struggling to keep their daughter going at times. It was like I completely broke down to being a child again. the mental pain became physical to the point that one night I actually physically walked down to the family kitchen and stared at the knifeblock, actually relishing the idea of watching the blades slicing through my skin and watching the pain bleed away. I had even to the point started composing texts to send to the nearest and dearest that night and explaining it all to my dad afterwards was a challenge and I guess he started to understand a little just how scary and bad things really were.I felt so alone. I was and still am hurting so bad for so many reasons and I don't know how to cope with how life has carried me on it's tides to where I am today. I guess I am heartbroken and for that, there is no cure except maybe time. Im sorry if its a depressing and low thing to read dear readers. 

Drifting in the sea, I felt in a way I've come back to the roots of where the start of who I was began. The child who was nicknamed "rotweiler" by her family for her strength and sheer determination and seeing something and never letting go until she got the results she wanted or were for the best, a child that just got on with it, ignored all the nasty comments, the bullying both verbal and physical, the awareness she couldnt fit in like everyone else and was socially isolated due to never being able to communicate well or keep up but just kept on going, never wanting anyone to feel sorry for her. I could almost see that little ghost of her running along that beach, lost in her world as she splashed in the sea.  I was sitting in the same ghostly spot occupied by my muma on the beach, my feet in the sand where her feet once was, torn between the fearless child I was and the fearful adult I have become.

 Even as an adult, I would spend ages in the water and I did that day, lying in the freezing water like it was a giant bath, hoping the waves, the eddies of the water would wash away some of my thoughts. I'm always drawn to water both as a child and even now, I will always go back to it somehow. If you want to give me a great gift and peace on earth for a while, show me to a bath full of hot water where I will bathe quite happily! Water carries sounds and I can feel and "hear" in a strangest of ways that I pretend I'm normal and like everyone else and that in some strange way, I'm getting a huge watery hug back from the universe! Water and I have a strange relationship and in the recent years I discovered I'm not the only one. Its one huge sensory experience I guess!

The experience on the beach was a weird one and though I enjoyed it, it had left me in a weird headspace since. Much like the film i mentioned at the beginning.

 I write this really as it feels like a personal exorcism, a little bit of that hard-to-remove grief goes somewhere else. I'm still notoriously private, something that drives my nearest friends batty but I'm happy to share a little bit of who I am if it helps someone else to know they aren't alone or helps them to understand me a little better then it isn't in vain. This is a weird part of me healing I guess. Don't worry, not all posts will be like this one or so heavy! But it's only fair that in doing a personal blog I guess to record the low times as well as the epic highs!

I wonder what I would say to the ghost child of me if I saw her today? Its strange how the older one gets, the more the child-likes hears come into play along with all that was never made peace with as well. I guess its part of life and one lesson I hope to learn well. What would you say to your younger self right now? "Word of advice kid? try not to knock over mum's favourite vase when you're 12? Because she will never let you live it down?" :P

Birdie love to you all!

XXX