Honesty

When I properly started this blog, it was because I was going through a really bad time. After a life changing injury that made me become more disabled, severe social anxiety and depression which lead to finally getting a diagnoses on having a mental disorder, several turbulent relationships with some incredibly destructive people that bought me right down, being signed off work over the year whilst undergoing financial hardship and on top of this all through this for good measure, several attempted suicide attempts...I needed a place to just simply "be".

Facebook isn't the place to put statuses up about feeling bad, before long you will be deemed as an "attention seeker" where actually you were crying out for help through your pain and so to take it away from people's news feeds and to not bombard everyone, the blog was started.

Of late, I felt myself sliding back, feeling right on edge and after an incident where a panic attack went bad and I said a few disastrous things to a much beloved friend who since, havent spoken properly as he wants space (more than reasonable though it just about kills me), it built up to the point I simply went for a walk this Monday and simply "blacked out" mentally and just kept walking for hours in whatever direction my feet took me.

 I went "missing" for around 7 hours...I simply don't have a clear memory of what happened, just remembered feeling incredibly isolated, consumed in pain and "black" in all I felt and thought. I dimly remember replying to a few texts and apparently to the few people who received them, they knew immediately I was "off".

I simply came to when the first interaction of that day happened in the form of a small dog who bounded up to me looking for attention and immediately I became very freaked out, especially when I realised I was soaked from the rain, extremely hungry and tired and somewhere far from home on the other side of the city.

It was made worst to see loads of phone calls and messages on my phone and then seeing that it was almost evening and the length of time I was gone for....I was seriously freaked out.

Long story short, after wandering the streets a bit, I realised roughly where I was and made it to a relatives house where they informed the search party I was safe. Since then, I've stayed away from social medias and my phone, gone back to work but pretty much kept to myself and retreated from everything for a bit. I've felt this pain and extreme lost and hopelessness before but this time around, I'm better equipped to hopefully deal with it.

Right now, I'm googling "What do normal people do on weekends"...stupid I know, but simply put, I dont know what to do. I dont know what other people do with their time and when I look at myself, I sometimes feel like I should be doing more, like this wasnt what I planned my life to be....then I remember that from the start I didnt exactly have a plan to begin with so does this makes me a lost cause?
Is it all too late for me?
What do I do?
Where do I go from here?

So many questions but so little of me to figure it all out. I mean where would I start?

How do I simply "Live"?

I know this posting is rather a somber one and difficult to read and unexpected and I apologise for that. It isnt my intention. But i figured as this is my space and place to rant and talk, I will do just that as It helps me get through the day now and the ones that follows.


thanks for your time my dear readers and your messages of late, I'm sure things will be back to normal here soon.

Birdie Love
xxx